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Author Topic: The Blazing Beard’s NBA Dirtiest Schwag List: 2013  (Read 604 times)
Colorado Jason
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« on: March 05, 2013, 12:08:26 pm »

Back in the Bulls 90s glory days/daze, I started by Hackin’ on Greg Ostertag…which was quickly turned into Greg Osterschwag.  I, like many of you, have a list of players that I love to hate, or pretty much just flat out dislike all of the time.  Players that are dirty, players that make me angry, players that are, well…… schwag. 

Definition of schwag: (yes, I actually looked it up, just to prove I had a shred of research here, as well as to pretend that I didn’t already know its meaning)  Source: modified from Urban Dictionary


adj. Term used to describe low grade marijuana. This type of marijuana is usually brown, seedy, dry, and lacking in ability to get you where you need to go; higher.

The term is also used by many cannabis aficionados to describe anything that is low grade: 

noun. low grade marijuana

adj- Ewww this schwag a ss weed tastes horrible and it didnt get me very high.

noun- I hate smoking schwag, but i cant afford to move to Colorado and get any dank right now so i guess i'll have to.

Basketball usage: 

 Noun.  A low grade player, low character player, a player that thinks excessively highly about himself, a player that complains t refs excessively, (see entire Miami Heat team as reference)

Adj. “That player is nothing but schwag.  That shot selection was schwag.  That hacking son of a b*tch is schwagging it up out there.  Lord schwagginton missed another defensive rotation.  Look at that weak schwag on his butt beggin for a call“ 

I have always had a mental list of offenders.  Players I never liked, or players that made the list because of dirty play against the Bulls.  The list changes, but the characteristics that place these players on my list are solid and stay the same; there are just certain characteristics that I hate in sports, especially my favorite sport; hoops. 

I don’t think all players are the same, and fit into one of just a few roles:  shooting guy, hustle guy, hard foul guy.  To me, these archetypes oversimplify their nuances that make each player different. 

Take Joakim for instance:  Most outsiders call him an energy guy.  But of course, he is much, much more.  He is a rare big man passer.  He is a rebounding machine.  He gets I your head like a Rodman.  He is a leader. 

Often when I am complaining about how sh*tty and dirty Hansbrough is, my Indiana born and bred friend will tell me: “well, if he was on your team you would like him.”

I never fully bought that argument, No, I’m sorry.  I wouldn’t.  I wouldn’t want him on my team, and not just because he’s an ***.  There are some characteristics that set all players apart, no matter how we simplify their roles, they are unique. 

Here is my list.  You will notice, that there are indeed extremely talented players on this list.  But talent ain’t everything.  Not to a hater.  You might notice that anything counts as a reason to be on this list, even if I just don't like the looks of ya.  You will also notice it’s not just a player list exclusively.  I make the rules here Dammit Jim!  So for reasons I go into for each person, this is my current list, in numerical order from hate the most (hate is suuuuch a strooooong word….let’s just say I really don’t appreciate that they play at all, this is all in fun remember) to hate slightly less:

1.  Tyler Hansbrogh: “The Sad Flailing Turkey”-Yes, I spelled his name wrong on purpose.  That’s how much I dislike him.  He is a threat to other players, not because of skill, but because of his disregard for the safety of others.  He will throw himself into anyone, often his own players.  He throws elbows like candy at a Shriner’s parade.  Players getting injured around him is inevitable.  Stop pretending to play, and quit looking so damned surprised when you get called for mega-hacking, you should be arrested. 

2.  Erik Spoelstra:  “Fake and Bake Riley Puppet”-I hate to look at him.  He is orange.  He looks like he got into a fight with a can of spray on tan, and lost.  His head is wired to a remote, controlled by Pat Riley.  When he deviates from Riley’s plan, he gets a shock, lots of them.  He is the REAL King of played out coaching one-liners.  Nothing that comes out of his matters hasn’t been said better by my 7 year old.  The Bulls made him cry…..good. 

3.  Dwane Wade:  “Lord Floppinton”-can’t shoot the ball one time without complaining, and falling down on every play, even when the ball goes in the basket.  Weak in the knees, weak on the court without Le Bron.  He didn’t have the guts to do it alone, so he recruited harder than any player ever, for low character teammates to join him.  Begs to get the call, should get techs, instead gets rewarded for his garbage.  Also know as:  Floppy Mc Floperton, D-Flippity, and The Boy Who Cried Wolf (or foul).

3 ½.  The 76ers Entire Fan Base and Team: “You lookin’ at me?”  You’re damn right I am.  You hit all time lows in NBA classlessness when you cheered and justified the injuries of NBA all-stars Joakim Noah and Derrick Rose; 2 of the classiest players, and 2 of the players that stand for what good there is in the corrupt world of the NBA.  You then pretended that you won an NBA finals, when you really failed to even win that series.  Karma is a b*tch, just you wait and see.  Doug Collins was embarrassed by you all, and he’ll be gone soon, and you will be irrelevant again.  Cheers.  I cannot wait. 

4.  Rajon Rondo: “Mini Chris Tucker”-Kirk Heinrich should have beat him down when he had the chance.  He pulls arms, pushes in the back, and talks as much trash as KG.  Having a karmic year; hope he retires before next year, like right now.  Has also learned nothing about class from Doc, and can be a danger to other players with his in the back shoves.   Refs give him many calls, he is infamous for flopping as well.

5.  Mario Chalmers: “Delusions of Grandeur Man”- Wants to think he is better than Derrick Rose but is delusional; and knows it.  We all know it.  I surprised myself placing him this high on this list, but I know point guard greatness, and he is not it.   He is the whipping boy of Le Bron and D Wade...how awful is that? 

6.  Kevin Garnett: “Classless Wonder”-dirty, dirty, dirty, KG (dirty).  Yes, he’s like school on Sunday-NO CLASS!  Talks trash, is trash.  Plays for classy coach, but has yet to absorb one bit of Doc’s class.  Displays anti-social behavior and runs foul mouth.  Needs the heavy pimp hand from some young buck so he shuts the hell up.  Looks horrible in green.  Needs to be able to grow a real man’s beard, not the same scrub that he’s had since Minneapolis.

7.  Le Bron James: “Not the King”-the most talented player playing, that has the biggest ego.  I consider him a low character player.  I don’t want my kid watching him as a role model, or anyone watching him as a role model.  Perfect American: spoiled, self centered, and self-righteous.  Too many people told him he was better than Jordan his whole life….so he has missed the boat, stuck in his own world of self importance.  The only thing higher than his on himself is his hairline (POW!).  The league has been trying to crown him King forever, but he simply lacks the character of a champion, so the NBA rounded up the refs, and gave it to them last year.  Call after call, getting game after game.  I am purposely disrespecting him by placing him so far down on my list.  NEVER, EVER, gonna be a better all around champion than Jordan…never.  Also, too scared to go to a team where he is the key focus, needs others to take the blame. 

8.  Kendrick Perkins:  Snoop Says it best: “You’re like 7 Up, never had it, never will.”    Always looks pissed, even when joyful.  When he is most joyful, he hates puppies.  No elevation, no shot, just pretty much a scowl, and gets paid for it.  “Grrrr….scowl”  BAM!  You got 17 million!  The only relief is that he takes daily beatings from Ibaka in practice and probably has few friends…or puppies that love him.

9.  Dwight Howard:  “Class Clown”-Has never taken the game seriously enough to win.  Put his arm around Van Gundy while sticking knife in back.  Late to rotate even when he was healthy and injured Derrick Rose 2 times intentionally.  Joyless, now that he realizes that a great player like Kobe wants him to take basketball seriously enough to win.  His natural size and gift have made him lazy with his game, and has not improved in years in any discernable way. 

10.  Chris Bosh:  “Tiny T-Rex”-Looks like a tiny T-Rex.  Shoots like a tiny T-Rex.  3rd wheel on a date or in basketball.  Learned to flop from D Wade, and still isn’t good at it, but gets calls anyway.  Did I mention he has Kwame Brown’s T-Rex arms?  He does. 

Dis-Honorable Mention:

Janero Pargo: “He is still making my list from having to watch him shoot”
Roy Hibbert: “Cement Shoes Mc Gee”
Stephen Jackson:  “Poison….just plain Poison”
Antawn Jamison: “Never met a shot he didn't like and couldn’t miss”
 Zaza Pachulia: “Cro-Magnum Man”
   Jason Terry: “That airplane move is giving me an aneurism, stop it.”

If you love to watch hoops, you love to talk sh*t.  Plain and simple.  Like our
society, nothing is stagnant.  Everything changes.  Someone might be elevated to this list
this week, who knows.   I do know players on my list come and go as rivalries change, as
someone takes a cheap shot, as someone retires.  Maybe sometime I’ll make an all time
list for players during my life….sounds like a lot of hatin’ for one night…but hey,
I think I’ve got it in me…..

The Blazing Beard Bulls Blog


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