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Author Topic: Value Of U.S. Dollar Plummets After Joe Flacco Signs NFL's Richest Contract  (Read 3307 times)
That Guy
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« on: March 14, 2013, 12:39:59 pm »
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BALTIMORE—Economists expressed shock this week as the value of the U.S. dollar plunged by more than 98 percent after Baltimore Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco signed the NFL’s richest contract.

Flacco, who was ranked 19th in the NFL for completion percentage during the 2012 season, received a six-year, $120.6 million deal, abruptly triggering the most catastrophic collapse of U.S. currency in American history.

“Unfortunately, the discouraging reports that Joe Flacco is now the highest-paid player in the NFL have had a devastating impact on U.S. exchange rates,” said chairman of the Federal Reserve Ben Bernanke, chastising the Ravens for the disastrous and irresponsible financial mistake that severely crippled the purchasing power of the dollar. “It was an ill-advised and reckless move to pay that much money to a quarterback who has never been selected to a Pro Bowl.”

“The Baltimore Ravens have single-handedly made the dollar worthless,” added Bernanke.

The Federal Reserve confirmed the value of the dollar was pummeled by Flacco’s $29 million signing bonus, which alone made the U.S. currency less valuable than the Indonesian rupiah and the Tanzanian shilling. In addition, global anxiety over specific details of the agreement, which included $52 million in guaranteed money for a quarterback who threw fewer touchdowns in 2012 than Josh Freeman, Andy Dalton, and Tony Romo, has thrown world markets into chaos.

The deal, which pays Flacco $62 million in the first three years, has already significantly increased the price of imports, caused astronomical inflation, and prompted panicked foreign governments to frantically move their currency reserves away from the U.S. dollar.

“It’s heartbreaking that one horribly misguided decision by the Ravens resulted in the decimation of 401(k) accounts, stocks, bonds, and pension funds for millions of hardworking Americans,” said White House economist Alan Krueger. “I still can’t believe they risked the financial well-being of so many people by paying Flacco more than Drew Brees.”

“Flacco just chucks every ball up for grabs and lucks out whenever his receivers catch one of his shitty throws,” added Krueger. “No wonder my pack of gum cost $850 yesterday.”

With the dollar significantly weakened and valued at almost nothing, NFL general managers reportedly feared that the unprecedented decline in U.S. currency could have major consequences on free agency and contract extensions for players who are more talented, athletic, and consistent than Joe Flacco.

At press time, the Green Bay Packers were reportedly finalizing a six-year, $989 trillion deal with quarterback Aaron Rodgers.
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David Stern: Professional Troll.
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« Reply #1 on: March 14, 2013, 12:48:49 pm »
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Funny. The Onion?
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« Reply #2 on: March 14, 2013, 12:59:09 pm »
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At press time, the Green Bay Packers were reportedly finalizing a six-year, $989 trillion deal with quarterback Aaron Rodgers.

Lmao!
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BRockin25
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« Reply #3 on: March 14, 2013, 03:38:07 pm »
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Yes, I am aware that this is a parody...but if Bernanke's dumba$$ was chastising the Ravens for lack of fiscal responsibility, then you know the Flacco deal was the right move  Cheesy
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Kemba2MKG
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« Reply #4 on: March 15, 2013, 12:41:22 am »
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They will regret this move in the long run.
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Mild Sauce
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« Reply #5 on: March 16, 2013, 03:14:43 am »
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They overpaid him, no question about it, but he's still a very good quarterback. It'll be interesting to see what he does with that team as depleted as it is.
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« Reply #6 on: March 16, 2013, 01:15:58 pm »
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They will regret this move in the long run.

Tony Romo is gonna buy the Yankees with his next contract
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Fair enough.
Fair enough..probably the 2nd ugliest season I've ever seen from the Ravens.
Flacco kind of is a bum..Yeah I get that he isn't that good..
BRockin25
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« Reply #7 on: March 17, 2013, 12:36:18 pm »
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They overpaid him, no question about it, but he's still a very good quarterback. It'll be interesting to see what he does with that team as depleted as it is.

The next time Flacco misses the playoffs will be the first
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Kemba2MKG
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« Reply #8 on: March 17, 2013, 10:25:00 pm »
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So this season then.
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BRockin25
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« Reply #9 on: March 17, 2013, 10:36:45 pm »
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So this season then.

I'm willing to put down whatever that the Ravens will be back in the playoffs, especially with how weak the AFC is.

You? Don't be the next contestant on the "backpedaling on a prediction and a bet" screen lol
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BRockin25
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« Reply #10 on: March 24, 2013, 09:02:26 pm »
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So this season then.

O FOR REALZ CUZ!??
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Kemba2MKG
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« Reply #11 on: March 25, 2013, 01:35:43 am »
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WHY DID YOU QUOTE ME TWICE? Cool
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Mild Sauce
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« Reply #12 on: April 02, 2013, 11:09:09 pm »
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The next time Flacco misses the playoffs will be the first

And without Reed or Lewis as support in any way could be very soon. Flacco wasn't the driving force these last several years. Let's be totally honest. QB records are becoming almost as much of a joke as MLB starting pitcher records have become.
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The tape over your mouth says more than words ever could.

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BRockin25
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« Reply #13 on: April 08, 2013, 08:21:41 pm »
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And without Reed or Lewis as support in any way could be very soon. Flacco wasn't the driving force these last several years. Let's be totally honest. QB records are becoming almost as much of a joke as MLB starting pitcher records have become.

How was Flacco not the driving force last year lol...did anyone pay attention to the defense? Well, a few HH posters did, and said the Ravens defense sucked, until Flacco started balling, at which time the story changed.

Again, you are in the same boat as Kemba...either put some $ up on whether the Ravens will not make the playoffs this year, or chill. The Ravens upgraded the pass rush already, and the AFC still sucks, so good luck betting against them.
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Kemba2MKG
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« Reply #14 on: April 08, 2013, 11:26:59 pm »
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If he makes it next year it will be more of the division being down than anything.
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